Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Oklahoma and its Tornados

This topic may not be that inclusive with my many readers from out of state, but some of these jokes are quite funny. (I predict that Jake will be rolling on the floor laughing). Without further ado, a Tornado Glossary(a forwarded email).

P.S. Look for the rest of my Pledge of Allegiance post later today.
Update: It is up!

For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes & are hearing news coverage of them, I put together a short glossary to help you understand....

Fujita Scale: Scale used to measure wind speeds of a tornado & their severity.

F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick.Oklahomans enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.

F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless, of course, you drive an Expedition & live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.

F3: Will pick your house & your Expedition up & move you to the other side of town.

F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.

F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch & watch it, because it's probably going to be the a last sight before you die.

Meteorologist: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, & they start yelling at you through the TV:"GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR CLOSET OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Storm Chaser: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.

Tranquilizer: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through any of the Oklahoma tornados because every time it storms, they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds.

Moore, Oklahoma: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet here & do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of the Midwest.

Bathtub: Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off & come out looking great for the local & national TV crews.

Severe Weather Radio: A handy device that sends out messages from the National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill noise just like an alarm, sounds suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds a little too turned on by the tornado activity.

Tornado Siren: A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.

Storm Cellar: A great place to go during a tornado, as it's almost 100% safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most aren't cared for, & are homes to many rats and snakes.

April - July: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping & diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.

Barometric Pressure: Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital & dodge tornadoes at the same time.

Cars: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes, you can outrun a tornado in your car... unless everybody on the road decides to do the same thing, & then you're just in a traffic jam.

A Ditch: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck & uproot a 300 yr old tree, I'd bet my life on outrunning it in a car.

Mobile Home: Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if the ere's 1 mobile home park in a 100 mile radius, the tornado will find it.

Earthquake: What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of severity than face a tornado. Tornado: What any Oklahoman would rather go through on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.

Twister: Slang for 'tornado' & also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone believes to be corny & unrealistic unless they live in Oklahoma, then they know the movie didn't do our tornados justice.

Power Flash: 1 of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a powerline & a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time must-see TV & $1,000,000 worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.


Here are some phrases you migh t want to learn & be familiar with if you're a new resident to Oklahoma:

"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hrs," which means it'll be a week.

"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies & an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in 12 hrs, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart.

"It's a little muggy today." Get the heck outta town. It's getting ready to storm!

"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead & make your outdoor plans." Ha. Hahahaha...

When your electricity goes out, & you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it's unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave & your fans will all come on, all at once.

1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep; &

2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.


Bag Blog said...

When we first moved to OK, Jesse and I were watching TV one afternoon when the weatherman broke in with a Tornado warning. He got very excited and then screamed, "People near Loco, need to TAKE COVER NOW!" Jesse, who had never been through a tornado looked at me like "what now?" Since I grew up in Tornado Alley, I calmly replied, "Lets go outside and take a look." There were no threatening clouds, so we did nothing, but from then on we called that weatherman,Chicken Little.

Jake said...

BHODL @ the breakers!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!!! Now if that doesn't describe Oklahma, nothing does!!!

I do disagree on one point though...

Tornado Siren: A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.

"Really useful"?!?!?! The only time I have EVER really paid attention to that thing is when it goes off at 12:00 pm in the summer (or spring or fall or whenever it goes off) to test it. And it never fails I go up to ask someone what's going on and either right before or right after I do, I realize it's just a test. I either end up staring at them with a blank face and saying "nevermind" (which leaves them thinking I'm a complete nut case) or if I actually ask them they think it's a joke and wonder why I'm not laughing. (Which, once again, makes 'em think I'm a complete nut case.)

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